


How to Snag a God, a handbook by Darcy

by TrekkieofMidgard



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Clint does NOT like Loki, Darcy is a badass, F/M, Loki is kinda a jerk at first, Natasha is a good friend, Tony is basically a dad friend, but Darcy can handle him, scary but good, she's got da taser, tasertricks - Freeform, yeah enjoy hopefully
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-17 09:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16513376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekkieofMidgard/pseuds/TrekkieofMidgard
Summary: Loki gets sent to Avengers tower so he won't get into mischief. Problem is, Darcy makes it her mission to get him to notice her. Things ensue.(Also, fair warning, there is an implied suspicion of rape at one point, as well as some violence. Not in the first chapter though.)I will try and update fairly regularly. I'm posting one chapter at a time, and if there's interest, I'll post more! :)





	1. The Fates Must be Crazy

Chapter One

\-----

"HE'S COMING WHERE?!?"

Jane's scream of outrage roused me from the book I was engrossed in.

"Oh, puh-leeze. What is it now, Jane?"

Jane rounded on me.

"Thor is bringing that MEGALOMANIACAL, EGOTISTICAL, MURDEROUS BROTHER OF HIS..."

Thor looked uncomfortable.  
"He is adopted... but Jane, he is allowed back on Earth, and my father is sending him here as his punishment..."

"Punishment for us, more like." Jane muttered mutinously.

"Hold up." I had completely forgotten about my book by this point.

"You mean your brother, the one who everyone keeps saying tried to take over earth and murdered a bunch of people?"

"See? Darcy gets it."

"...does he look like you, Thor?"

"Darcy!"

"Well hey, you've got one, it's no fair!"

Jane turned away with a sigh.  
"Darcy, I forbid you to go anywhere near..."

I raised a hand to cut her off.  
"Ah ah ah, you know that'll just make me want to. I'm too curious for my own good, as you always keep reminding me."

Thor broke in with a smile.  
"To answer your question, Miss Darcy, Loki is adopted, so naturally he looks nothing whatever like me."

I pouted.

"Too bad, Darcy." Jane snapped.

\------

I had abandoned the Avengers' party early. It wasn't that I didn't want to hang out with the Avengers, nope, they were pretty cool. It's just that, well, it was kinda hard being around all these super-skilled (LITERALLY super-skilled) people. I made me feel, well, ordinary. So I had opted for the library.

I stared out the window of the Avengers Tower library at the gathering darkness. The muffled sounds of laughter from the party below still filtered in here.

Heck, even Agent Hill was awesome, look at her with a gun.

There really is nothing worse for the self-esteem than to be surrounded by awesome people.

Though, I did have my taser. I pulled it out and ran a thumb along it. I had my own way of doing things, and I was okay with that.

I closed my book, returned it carefully to its shelf, and went to bed.

\-----

Nobody was up when I trudged down to the second floor of the tower in sweatpants, bleary-eyed with sleep. They were all still wasted. I allowed myself a little smirk. One advantage of not feeling included in a party was not being included in the hangover. I rubbed my eyes and shuffled into the kitchens for a coffee. It was fun coming down early because I didn't feel the obligation to look my best if nobody was around. Plus, watching the sun top the 'scrapers alone was actually quite a treat.

I was lost in my thoughts as I entered the kitchens, fumbled for the coffee, filled my cup, and turned.

Oh. It would appear I was not alone after all.  
I slopped my scalding coffee in surprise, swore softly, and hopped about on my unburned foot. This caused more spilling (and more swearing) until finally I got the cup on the counter and glanced up again, presumably blushing.

The man sitting at the counter was regarding me coldly, with just a hit of malicious amusement in his eyes. He had tea and a book, which he had apparently been reading when I had come in. He was tall. Very tall. I could see that with him sitting down. He was also pale. Very pale... okay I'd have to quit using "very" in my mind. He was just so... very. His cold and angular face gazed back at me like I was an interesting specimen of ant. And what was with his hair? It was black, very long, and brushed back casually. Okay... this guy was definitely not the mailman.

I realized I'd been staring, and continued doing so with gusto.

Who was he? He was staring cooly back at me, and the silence grew. Finally, I had had enough.

"Nicely done. I didn't think anyone had the audacity to break into Avengers Tower, not to mention steal a cup of tea. Are you taking the book too?"

He blinked, looking at a bit of a loss.

"Yeah, if you're here to kill Tony Stark, feel free. He's really been getting on my nerves lately. I'd probably want to help. No, but seriously, who are you? And how did you get in?"

The stranger looked genuinely perplexed.  
"You... don't know who I am?"

I rolled my eyes.  
"Oh, we've got a ego case on our hands. Sorry, no? Woah, dude, chill."

His eyes had sparked furiously as I said the words "ego case." From seemingly nowhere, a knife had appeared in his hand, then vanished just as quickly. He sat back.

"I was born, as you say, 'chill'. Truly, you have no idea." He muttered under his breath.

His voice was cultured, softly dangerous. 

I snorted and sat at the counter.  
"Yeah, you're about as chill as a flaming rhino. I'm gonna drink my coffee now, but first you answer me about who you are (I'm guessing Asgardian?) and how you got in before I break out my taser."

He sneered slightly.  
"Your mortal weapons are as pitiful as you are."

I choked on my coffee.

"Oh, you're one of those Asgardians, are you? Thinking we're weak and pitiful? I'll have you know that I've used that taser on Thor and he dropped like a rock, and if you make one more comment like that I won't care who let you in, I'll tase your ass right back to Heimdall."

His eyes glinted.

"Thor... was felled by your weapon?"

I was startled.  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, but he was human then, so..."

His face closed and a guarded expression covered it as he rose with his tea and made to leave the room.

"Sooo... what's your name? And did Thor bring you here?"

He turned at the door and sighed.  
"Yes, I came with Thor last night. It would appear that I am to be staying in this den of you imbeciles. And the All-Father expects me to thank him for this treatment. I do hope this answers all of your questions, and if it does not, please do not hesitate to stay away from me and not ask more. As for my name, well, even if you don't recognize me, my name will go down in your history nonetheless. I am Loki of Jotunheim."

I felt my eyes widen instinctively.

He smirked and left the room.

\-----

Okay. Not what I expected. I mean, sure, I knew who he was, of course, but I guess I'd never bothered to find out what he looked like. Well, what he looked like was Thor's opposite. In every way. Where Thor was blond, Loki had pitch black hair... okay I guess I mentioned that. Where Thor was jacked, Loki was, well, lean. He did have a fascinatingly catlike grace...

Get it together, Darcy. Don't you DARE start thinking about those cheekbones.

Wait, what?

I was saved further mental berating by Natasha walking into the room. From her movements I could tell that she hadn't drunk herself into a stupor the night before, like Tony probably had. She took her coffee and saw me.

"Darcy! I didn't see you last night. If I had known you had left I would have joined you."

"Tony was wrecked, then?" I asked with a grin.

She smirked in response.  
"No more than usual. Did you hear about our unexpected guest?"

I grimaced.  
"Met him."

"Yeah, he came in last night about halfway through Tony's orgy. Thor brought him in. Tony didn't seem to notice, probably too drunk. It'll be entertaining to see what happens when he realizes who's in the tower once he sobers up."

I hadn't even thought about the conflict that Loki's presence might bring. According to Nat, Tony had been less than thrilled about the whole arrangement when Thor proposed the idea. However, common sense took over, and he recognized the danger of putting Loki somewhere else. At least here the supers could keep an eye on him.

Maybe I should volunteer guard duty. Wouldn't mind keeping both eyes on him....

What the heck, Darcy. He's not even good looking.

Well...

But still, it might be more fun than I expected, having him in the tower. Almost... a challenge?  
Yes. A challenge. To get to know Loki whether he liked it or not.

And maybe, just maybe, I could learn something useful, and get it through Fury's skull that just cause I'm useless in combat (hey, trusty taser though...) didn't mean I was altogether useless.

I was roused by Natasha snapping her fingers in front of my face, looking amused.  
"Nat to Darcy, come in, Darcy. Seriously, that was quite the zoning out. Was that the effect of our guest? What, did he wound your pride?"

I laughed and denied everything. Of course, knowing Natasha she definitely knew I was lying.

Ugh, why on earth did it hurt that he snubbed me? Why should I care?

A secret corner of my brain whispered something about cheekbones.


	2. Don't Poke Gods With Sticks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit short, but more shall come soon! I promise fluff is coming eventually! :)

Chapter Two

I was searching probably the tenth bookstore that day. But this one was different; old, musty, and altogether creepily delightful. I searched for about twenty minutes, almost ready to give up. 

But not quite. I had taken a full day after meeting Loki to think of the right thing to make my formal introduction. And when I finally decided on the perfect book, it took several more days to find it.

But then, there it was.

Jackpot.

It was beautiful. Faded gilding wearing off just enough, leather smooth and pungent, pages worn and yet whole. I almost (almost) thought about just keeping it. But no.

I wrapped it in emerald cloth, with a golden tie. Hey, if I was doing this, I had to pull out all the stops. He was a prince after all.

I did have to stop and think about what to write on the little golden card. I ended up deciding on, "Welcome to the 'den of imbeciles.' With love, your favorite imbecile."

I left it at the door of his room.

\-----

It was gone when I discreetly walked past several minutes later.

I knew it would take at least an hour.

I wondered what he would do, though. Would he kill me? Ehh, probably not. He wouldn't get off too easy for killing Thor's girlfriend's best friend. He was smart, and I expected he knew that he couldn't. That would leave serious maiming, or respect. I had tried to anylyze his psyche in the past several days. Clearly, as I said, a bit of an "ego case." Also, he clearly didn't like me calling him that. But at the same time, I thought, respect probably was the first step. And in his case, it probably had to happen this way, through showing him what kind of wits he was dealing with. I wasn't backing down.

I settled down to wait on the library couch. It would take him a bit to find me, I was sure. 

That's probably why I felt safe in drifting off to sleep.

\-----

I was woken by the library door slamming. I groaned and rolled over, blearily opening my eyes, then suddenly snapping awake when a pair of searingly cold hands seized me by the throat.

Not good. Abort. Abort.

I was dragged off the couch and slammed into a bookshelf, my feet dangling a few inches off the ground.

I stared at him in scientific fascination, despite my vision beginning to fade. His eyes had gone deep crimson, and his blue skin looked like he belonged in Avatar. Slender lines ran in intricate patterns all over his face. Suddenly the direness of my situation hit me as he hissed,  
"Did you know?" 

I couldn't help grinning at him through the pain, but then the grin turned to a wince as his hands increased their vise-like grip. His face inches away, he snarled,  
"That book. It was Midgardian mythology, was it not? Such a lovely gift." He spat. "I will have you know, I am a god. I will not be mocked by a mere Midgardian mortal. That story... did you know it when you gave the book to me?"

I, of course, couldn't say a word by this point, but it would appear I didn't need to.

He abruptly released his grip, and as I crashed to the ground and wheezed, he turned at the door.

"I may not have killed you this time, imbecile, but I will not hesitate again. Never, never, insinuate anything about me and horses again."

And he swept from the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm... whatever shall she do? *rubs hands*
> 
> If this is a bit confusing, all shall be made clear in the next chapter (or the one after)
> 
> (Basically she bookmarked a story about Sleipnir.)


	3. Of Spaghetti and Spiderwebs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... I'm back, lovely peoples!
> 
> Warning: this is the chapter with the implied suspicion of rape. It's very mild, but fair warning. :)

Chapter Three

I headed to my room at a run. The last thing I needed was for someone to see the bruises.

Terrible, terrible idea, Darcy!

Sure. Antagonize the god with a... well... god complex. What could possibly go wrong?

I reached my door, slid inside, locked it, and collapsed against it.

What now.

Well, most self respecting people would feel bad after nearly killing someone, but something told me Loki didn't mind being feared.

So I don't give him that.

Besides, it's not like I was particularly afraid of him even now. I mean, I was surrounded by the world's greatest heroes. He wouldn't kill me, and now I'd learned that Sleipnir mythology was going a bit too far. So the solution? Go toe to toe with him and don't get killed.

Subtlety. Subtlety was the key. Don't let him win, but don't let him know he's losing either.

I headed to the bathroom and flinched when I saw the angry marks on my throat. Sure, I could stay in my room till they left, but there were two problems with that.

One, the Avengers. Mostly Natasha and her suspiciousness of everyone, and Steve with his puppy eyes, trying to help everyone. They'd never let me hide it.

Two, and more importantly, Loki.

He would think I was afraid.

Fine then. I flaunt my battle scars.

Besides, makeup would hide it somewhat.

\-----

Dinner was noisy, as Clint had showed up for a weekend. Of course he was making his favorite, spaghetti. Nat sat on the counter watching, smirking at his dismay when he splashed the sauce all over himself. He glanced up, bemoaning his shirt, and saw me.

"Darce!! Good to see you! Lemme go clean this off, the food's ready. Get the others?" He asked Nat.

Without waiting for an answer, he darted out of the room.

I plopped onto the counter beside Nat.

"Does he know about Loki yet?" I asked hesitantly.

"No."

"Will you tell..."

She cut me off.

"I'm hoping we won't have to. Loki hasn't come out of his room yet..." (I looked skeptical) "...so hopefully he won't have to know till after he's gone. It's just one night that he's here."

The several other Avengers who were staying at the tower trooped into the kitchen. Apparently Clint had called them after all.

I glanced over all of them. Banner, Wilson, Rhodes, Jane... someone was missing.

Nat sighed and turned to me.

"Get Tony? He's probably in the lab."

I had risen and was about to leave when angry raised voices could be heard approaching the kitchen. I peeked out into the hall to see Clint shouting furiously at Loki, who looked far too pleased with himself.

Clint turned on us.

"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME? AND WHY ON EARTH IS HE HERE?"

He was far angrier than I had ever seen him. Of course, I had heard about Loki's mind manipulation on him, but I had no idea Clint was so volatile against him.

Nat slipped past me, grabbed Clint by the shoulders, and pulled him towards his room, talking to him in a low voice.

And then it was just Loki and I standing there, gazing through the dark hall.

I narrowed my eyes and stood a little taller, clenching my fists. His lip curled in almost surprised amusement, and he was gone in a moment.

I stood there for a second, feeling baffled, till Sam cleared his throat rather pointedly.

"So... spaghetti?"

\-----

When Nat finally made it back to dinner, she loaded a tray for Clint without a word. She returned in equal silence and sat beside me while the guys put their dishes away. When the kitchen was empty of all but me and Nat, I sighed and bent to put away my own dishes. But suddenly there was a sharp intake of breath from Nat.

I looked at her, questioningly, when she seized me by the wrist and pulled me after her down the hall, to the stairs, down two floors, and to her room.

"Nat, what the heck? What is it?"

I glanced around with some trepidation; Nat's room always made me feel as if I'd fallen into the spider's web. Though I suppose it was one, in a way.

She disappeared for a moment to return with a makeup wipe. Suddenly I knew where this was going. In the drama with Clint, I'd forgotten about my hastily covered bruises.

I leapt backwards but she fixed me with a "Nat-Glare," the kind you can try to ignore, but can never refuse, unless you really hate some of your appendages.

I winced as she touched the sore area with her wipe, but her touch grew gentler and the wipe was cool. Still, tears stung the back of my eyes by the time she was finished.

She sat in silence for several moments, and I turned to look at her. When I did, she was just as stoic as ever, and yet I could see anger and pain running wild in her eyes. Finally she broke the silence.

"Please tell me this wasn't who I think it was."

I chuckled wryly, and she looked startled.

"Well, if you think it was a certain egotistical god, then yes."

The sparks from her eyes could have lit a cigarette. She began muttering in apparent abject fury.

"How dare he. I'll kill him. I'll kill him now. Of all things... to stoop to this level. I thought he was above such baseness, but apparently not."  
"Nat, wait, don't you think you're overreacting a bit? I mean, I did really provoke him. Obviously he was insanely out of line, but killing? Really?" I laughed nervously.

She turned her smoldering gaze on me.

"Don't you want him dead?"

"Um, not particularly? I mean..."

She looked genuinely confused.

"But after what he did to you... he deserves it."

She began to rise, the furious sparks in her eyes transformed in an instant to cold and deadly. I seized her by the wrist.

"Nat, wait!"

And suddenly I realized what she thought Loki had done.

Oh, dear lordy.

"Nat. I know what you think he did. That's not what happened. He didn't... he never..."

She turned back to me, her anger turning to bafflement, then to relief.

"Darce, thank God. What happened then?" The anger flared and then was hidden as she glanced again at my neck.

"Well... I had a stupid idea that... I challenged myself, I guess, to earn Loki's respect or... whatever."

"And?" Her scarlet eyebrows were raised expectantly.

"Well, I gave him a book..."

"That definitely sounds like something to attack someone over." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm now.

I squirmed. "Um, it may have been a book on Norse Mythology..."

The eyebrows climbed higher.

"...with a particular chapter on Loki and his... kids."

She frowned.

"Loki has children?"

I sighed. Clearly I'd have to explain the whole thing.

"No... well, the real Loki doesn't, but mythology Loki has several. A couple pretty normal ones, actually, but then he has Fenrir, a giant wolf child; Hel, a creepy daughter who guards the dead; and Jormungundr, a huge snake. It's the other one mostly that he was mad about, though. Sleipnir, his horse son with eight legs."

Nat continued to look confused.

"...It's a complicated story, but the gist of it is Loki was transformed into a mare and, well, horse things happened. I think the real Loki didn't much like the fact that I bookmarked a story calling him the mother of a horse."

Nat's eyes went wide, and then she burst into laughter. I stared, startled, for a moment. Then the ridiculousness of the situation and the story hit me and my face split into a grin.

When we both dissolved into laughter, I was hit with the absurd thought that perhaps this was the first time that anyone had seen the Black Widow truly laugh. But then she was sober again, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, as she inspected my bruises again.

"But still. He hurt you. What do you want me to do?"

I pondered for a bit.

"Well, I think I don't want him to think I'm scared, and I don't want to back down. So I guess, I don't know, don't kill him yet?"

A devilish gleam appeared in her eyes.  
"I've got something better. What was it you said, that you were trying to "earn his respect" or something? You've come to the right place... What if I teach you to make yourself completely and utterly unreadable and unpredictable? I know his type. He'll try to psychoanalyse you after today. Nothing will earn his respect so much as him being totally unable to predict you, much less understand. I think it will pique his intellectual interest. Trust me, I will work wonders on you, Darce. No one knows this stuff like I do. It's practically an art form. You'll have him wrapped around your finger."

To be honest, I liked the idea of outwitting a god, not to mention having one fascinated with me. Plus, that would mean I would be the victorious one in our one sided battle of pride.

But was it really one sided?

"Done. When do we start?"

Nat smugly ushered me out of the room. 

"There's no way he's coming out of his room tonight, after everything at dinner. But if he happens to, just avoid showing any emotion whatsoever. I have field reports tonight, so we'll start tomorrow evening. Six sharp, be here. Oh, and Darce?"

I stopped at the door.

"You might want to bring Tony some dinner. Not that he's noticed, most likely."

I gave her a smile and a nod, then headed for the empty kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, guys! 
> 
> If there's interest I'll add more chapters!


End file.
